Spilt Tea
by Komillia
Summary: What Filia goes through everytime she's waiting for Xellos.


**Spilt tea   
by Komillia (komillia@hotmail.com)**

A/N: This is just what I came up with after reading a few Xellos/Filia fanfics and wondering what things would be like after the "happy" endings. 

* * *

It never occurred to her how slow time could pass. Days felt like years. Not physically but in her heart the slow passing of seasons and years seemed no different from the passing of days of waiting. It was what Filia ul Copt had done, waited for months but to her it was an eternity and a little more. Then finally, the day of his return came. 

How happy she had been that day. She had slept little but gotten up early out of excitement. He was coming back to her. Her daily routine was no different from any other day. She took care of the store, took care of Val as she affectionately called her adoptive son and looked after Jirras and Gravos. But whenever she had a moment to spare, she kept listening for his voice, his footsteps. Anything that would signal his arrival. But the hours were slow and even then the day passed with quiet disappointment. When the sun set he still had not come. 

After she had put Val to sleep, she went downstairs to the kitchen. She prepared tea and kept the kettle on the stove so that it would stay warm. Then she poured herself a cup and sat down to wait. Another cup had been set on the other side of the table, waiting to be filled and used. The clock on the wall ticked and tacked. Filia would glance at it often and feel disappointed at how only a minute or two had passed since she had last looked. Occasionally Val woke up and she rushed upstairs to comfort him and sing comforting lullabies. But when she went downstairs and nothing had changed. The tea was still in the kettle and the cup was still empty. 

The second day she waited with the same anticipation as she had earlier. Each sound that was made when she was alone caused her to turn around and her heart would beat fasting thinking that it was him. But each time she turned around, he was never there. When darkness fell Filia did the same as she had done the day before. She put Val to bed, then went down to the kitchen and prepared tea. And after that... she waited. Hours passed as slowly as it had the night before. Filia sat quietly, sipping her tea even long after it had gone cold. Then suddenly she heard a cry from upstairs. Her teacup was roughly dropped on the table as she sprung up from the chair and bolted up the stairs. She quickly ran into the nursery and gently picked up Val in her arms. 

"There... you're okay," Filia whispered as tried to comfort Val by rocking him back and forth. "Mommy's here... It's okay." 

But things were not okay. After Val had stopped crying and fallen asleep again she sunk into the old rocking chair that stood next to his cradle. Drawing her knees up against her chest, she watched Val's sleeping form. Suddenly she found herself struggling to keep tears from forming in her eyes. Save from the occasional creak from the rocking chair the only thing she could hear was the ticks and tacks of the clock. And she hated it. She hated how it reminded her of how seconds, minutes and even hours passed and still he had not come. 

The third day came. Strong sunlight shone into the nursery, awakening Filia from the luring clutches of sleep. She sat up straight and rubbed her eyes as she looked at the clock. It was not even noon and she did not have to go down to the kitchen to know that the other teacup had not been used. He had not come. 

That day she hardly tried. The sadness in her eyes was so visible that even Jirras and Gravos knew what was wrong with her. They kindly offered to take care of the store for the rest of the day so that she could rest. Filia did not object although she knew that she could have no real rest. The day was simply spent in Val's nursery. She was there to tend to her son's every need but when he was asleep she had nothing to do but to sit and watch him. Meanwhile the clock kept ticking and the sound of it echoed in her mind. 

He had not come yet. Where was he? Why was he taking so long? 

It grew dark and the store closed. Jirras and Gravos cleaned up before they reluctantly left Filia alone in the house. As kind as their intentions were, there was nothing that they could do. In fact, that was nothing that Filia herself could do. Except for wait. 

So that was what she did. She walked into the kitchen slowly and prepared the tea just as she had done the last two nights. Then she poured herself a cup and sat down at the kitchen table to wait. The clock's ticking seemed louder than ever and it was all she heard, all that was on her mind. Time passed, time passed... more time passed. He was still not there. Where was he? Why was he not there with her? Why could he not come? 

He wasn't coming back. 

The bitter realization struck her just as the hot porcelain touched her lips. Her fingers suddenly lost their grip on the cup and it dropped on the table, spilling tea all over the white linen. But she did not see it, did not notice the tea drops staining her dress simply because it did not matter to her. A lone tear rolled down her cheek and her bottom lip trembled before she fully gave into crying. 

And she cried and cried. Endless streams of tears ran down her cheeks, leaving big, wet spots on her dress as they dripped down. She had been a fool, a fool for waiting and for believing that he was coming back to her. For her to believe at all was foolish. He felt nothing and did not care for her while she felt everything and cared more for him than she should have and much more than she originally allowed herself. 

Why had she believed in the first place? Why had she cared? He had never given her any assurance or proof that he cared for her and she had known that. She had known that he could abandon and hurt her without remorse and yet she would hope and wait for his return? 

_'I am a fool,'_ Filia thought half resentfully and half sadly. _'A fool.'_

And she cried again. 

Perhaps it was that she was so busy crying and so busy trying to cry out the pain in her heart that she no longer heard the clock ticking. But the fact was that she was too distracted to hear it and she was too distracted to sense the magical shift in the air. She was totally unaware of the fact that she was no longer alone and that she was being watched. 

"Filia dear... it is no use crying over spilt tea." 

She suddenly stopped crying and looked up. Had she only imagined that voice or actually heard it? For a short moment she thought of turning around and looking but then hesitated. Would she turn around again and find herself looking at nothing? All alone again? 

So she sat there, completely still and silent. The only sound that came from her was the sound of her ragged breathing. Then finally, she heard something again. Footsteps. Footsteps she waited for so eagerly the last few days. Upon hearing them she dare to look to her left and found herself starting right into his dark eyes. 

"Xellos..." she whispered quietly, eyes widening. 

"It's just tea, Filia," he said in his usual, cheerful yet almost neutral tone. "Nothing to cry about." 

He reached out his gloved hand and brushed away the tears on her cheek with his thumb. Upon feeling his touch, Filia eagerly grabbed his hand and held it tight. It was as if she had to assure herself that he was real, that he was truly there and that her mind was not playing games with her. But the hand she held was real, just as the person it belonged to. She whispered his name again then almost jumped out of the chair and nearly collapsed into Xellos' arms. 

Xellos almost stumbled back as she did so, but did not lose balance. When she put her arms possessively around his neck and buried her face in his shirt, he put his arms around her waist and slowly drew her into a warm embrace. Filia pulled him closer, if that was possible, and closed her eyes. He was there, he was warm and he was there with her. 

"You are tired," Xellos suddenly said. "You need to rest." 

It was not a question, he just stated it like it was a fact. Filia backed away just a few inches to be able to look on him. She suddenly thought of the empty tea cup that was still standing on the kitchen table. 

"But the tea..." 

"The tea can wait," he cut off gently with a smile. 

Before she could protest, she found herself standing in the bedroom upstairs. Xellos was still there, still holding her. No doubt had he used his powers to teleport them both to her bedroom instead of trying to argue with her. A smile almost appeared on Filia's lips. Had she not been so tired and so happy to see him she might have protested. But he was there and that was all that mattered. 

Without a single word Xellos placed his staff against the wall, making sure that it would not fall over before he turned his attention away from it and back to her. It was dark and Filia could not see the expression on his face clearly. But when he led her towards the bed, she did not need to see or think anything to oblige. 

They settled down on the bed silently, both lying on their sides and facing each other. Filia watched him in the dark, looking right into Xellos' eyes and searching for the reason why he had been two days late. But she didn't find it. She was vaguely aware of Xellos' hand caressing her side, doing it so slowly that it seemed as if he was teasing her. He was staring into her eyes as well. The difference was that he was simply looking, not searching, and his eyes were blank. 

It was almost hesitantly that Filia slowly moved her face towards his. Her eyes were wide open, as if she did not dare to shut them and trust that he would not reject her. But the worry had hardly settled into her heart before Xellos' lips met hers and in one slow and tender move forced hers to part. Her eyes half closed and she lazily slipped one hand around his neck. 

All the worries and all the thoughts seemed to fade away from her mind. All she could think of was Xellos. His lips, his tongue, his hand and the warmth from his body. Warmth that was quickly spreading into her own body. How she wanted to kiss him forever, to feel him and that warmth and never having to let go of it. 

When they finally pulled away from each other, letting each other breathe, Filia found herself staring and searching again. She found nothing. She had never fully treasured the ability to be able to read emotions through one's eyes until now. Now that she could not his emotions. His eyes would not even give her a hint of what might be going on inside his mind, much less his heart. 

That was, if he possessed one. 

Filia closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against Xellos'. She gave a quiet sigh, one that was barely audible. All the thoughts that had faded away during the kiss were slowly coming back and a part of her wondered if it was not for the better. He had still not offered her any explanation of his late arrival and it did not seem like he was going to either. Filia did not want to ask. Whatever the explanation was, she would not find out. He would tell her that it was a secret, just like everything else was a secret. Was there anything he could tell her? Could he even tell her why he stayed with her, only to leave and then come back? The process would repeat, over and over again. There was no end to it. 

"Xellos...?" 

"Hmm...?" 

"Is it always going to be like this?" 

He did not say a word. Filia kept her eyes closed, now afraid of what she was going to see if she opened them. Seconds and minutes passed as Filia became somewhat aware of the clock ticking out in the hallway. Time had started to pass slowly again, just as it always did when something occurred that she could not bear. Before Xellos had arrived, it was his absence. Now it was simply his silence and the question still hanging freely and unanswered in the air. 

Filia mentally cursed herself for asking the question. Now that she had asked, she regretted it. Would he get up and leave now? Had she shortened the already little time she had with him? Her heart beat faster in fear of him leaving. He could not go, he could not leave her all alone. Not now, not this soon. She clung to him, letting him know that she would refuse to let him go if he tried. 

But suddenly the hand he had placed on her waist slipped around and stopped at her back. Using just that one hand he drew her as physically close as he could. Filia opened her eyes, a little started at his sudden movement but content nonetheless. There was no space between them, nothing separating them. If only it could be like that all the time. No worries, no thoughts. Just him. 

Not a word was spoken and no answer was given. She did not know who started it, but once again she felt Xellos' lips upon hers and yielded willingly to his kisses. Her only lasting emotion besides a growing lust for him was how relieved she felt that he had not left. Being near him was truly intoxicating to her. Not having to think or worry as long as he was there, as long as she could feel his lips or the sensation of his skin against hers. 

Perhaps that was why she could not hear his murmured answers among the kisses. 

"Yes... it will be." 


End file.
